Here are ten commandments to consider before you venture out on that date with the total stranger who stands between you and the realisation of your disgusting sexual fantasies.

1. Don’t go to restaurants that offer you a table at half past anything. If the owners are watching the clock that closely, they don’t know the meaning of hospitality.

2. If you want good food, don’t worry about the glorious waterfront view. Or, as Andy Rooney put it, in a slightly different context: ‘Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.’

3. If you want a good table for two, book for three. Rather impudent, but worth remembering for special occasions.

4. If you are shown to a bad table, request a better one. The definition of bad depends on whether you are an exhibitionist. Some diners love sitting in full view of a crowded room, while others dislike the stage. No one likes to sit beside the toilet.

5. Go to lots of family owned restaurants. There is some satisfaction in knowing that your money is supporting a clan, and not a corporation.

6. Request a corner table. Particularly if you are on a date. Sitting at a right angle is more flattering than facing each other.

7. Ask ‘What is the best thing on the menu?’ Any good waiter will have a reasonable answer at the ready. If the food is half as good as he says it is, you’ll be lucky.

8. If you aren’t completely happy with your meal, send it back – quickly. It is unwise, and possibly dangerous, to describe the food on a nearly empty plate as inedible.

9. When a man is served before a woman, that also means you’re welcome to leave before paying. If you regard chivalry as ancient gibberish, you don’t deserve to eat well.

10. Avoid restaurants where people say, ‘Hi, my name is Hilary. I’m from Perth and I’ll be your server tonight.’ Unless you’re a man, alone, and her name is Peach, from Georgia.